I see it every time I walk into the kitchen. It’s hard not to. It kind of commands your attention.
Like a bad busker… or someone wearing a matching velor tracksuit… you want to look away, but you can’t.
It came from Aldi… you know the supermarket that sells pizza ovens, ski masks and frozen peas.


I mean I’m all for cheap groceries, but Boofhead has fallen in love with the joint and I’m constantly having to put forward a case for NOT buying an air compressor or miniature drone.


He drags me to the opening kerfuffle on a Saturday morning. A fight to the death over daffodil bulbs and socket sets with pensioners who usually find it hard to walk to their letterboxes, but somehow miraculously spring to life on a Saturday morning transforming into bargain hunting cyborgs… programmed to take you out if you get in the way of them and their sugar mulch.


Anyway, back to the kitchen.
Our kitchen tap was stuffed, for the second time, so after perusing the Aldi catalogue Boofhead presented me with a new one. Not just an ordinary kitchen tap…. This one has a bulbous end that detaches so you can spray your dishes ‘restaurant style’. Pretty fancy hey?


There’s just one problem…. It looks like a penis.
It’s a penis tap.


I feel weird every time I detach it to do some ‘plate spraying’…. Because I can’t help but remember that disturbingly amusing 90’s song from King Missile (listen here if you dare/ not for littlies).

I’m a proud homemaker, I love my interior style and now I fear the focus of my house isn’t my tasteful vintage style – it’s the penis tap (my girlfriends are going to have a field day!)

I wish there’d been more spritely seniors vying for risqué shaped tap ware that Saturday morning…. but given this is the third tap we’ve had in the kitchen,… it’s not leaking, it can detach and spray dishes AND IT WAS CHEAP, alas, it looks like the penis tap is here to stay.